I had a little slumber party with a girlfriend last night. About halfway through the evening, and a bit of vodka later, she, being single, was cuddled on the couch with OKCupid.
“What about this guy?”, “Is this guy decent?”, “This guys not that bad, is he?”
First of all, if you are asking me that, you already know the answer. But, I immediately felt for her. These guys were legit awful. Maybe I’m too picky, maybe years of bartending has given me the innate ability to predict someone’s most annoying qualities before they display them, maybe I’m just a b***h.
Orrrrr… maybe these guys have no idea how unappealing they look? I mean, they can’t all be awful right? I don’t snub people based on looks, but these profiles read, in two categories: Player and Un-datable. I am willing to bet that all of these men don’t fall into these two simple categories, and with a few tweaks to their profile, could score a date with a worthy female.
So. Just in case anyone wants any insight into what does not strike the fancy of your (slightly above) average female, here’s a list of what made me skip your page last night:
1. You talk about your guitar and/or post guitar pics.
Great, you play guitar. So does the rest of the male population, and guess what- so do I, but I don’t broadcast it. You just nominated yourself in my mind as The-Guy-Who-Pulls-Out-A-Guitar-At-A-Party. Yawn. Maybe on our third date you can play me some stupid cover song that I don’t even care to hear when it’s on the radio. I will have to awkwardly stare at you while you play me said ballad, and then praise you when you finish. Annoying.
Tip: If we make it to the first date, tell me then that you play guitar. Also, don’t serenade me unless I ask, and when you do, make it something good, like Jeff Buckley or Paul Simon. #savetheBonJoviforsomeonewhocares
2. You declare your ‘Sarcastic Prowess’ instead of actually saying something entertaining.
Sarcasm is a glorious thing. A sense of humor makes the world a happy place. I dig it. But, here’s the thing, some people are mean spirited and/or miserable by nature, and ‘sarcasm’ to them is just saying mean shiz about people just because they hate life. They think that if they declare it sarcastic, they won’t be held accountable for the idiot things that they say. I don’t hate life, so that’s the type of person I kind of dread being around.
Tip: Funny people are just funny. They don’t have to tell you that they are funny. If they do, they aren’t.
3. Don’t post pics of yourself with sunglasses on, whilst flexing your tattooed arm.
Let me tell you a little story about sunglasses; My first crush was Roy Orbison. That voice, that hair, those turtlenecks, and what a tough guy in those Ray Bans! But Dudes, this was before the internet, so it took me a long stretch of years to see Roy without. Buzzkill.
So here’s my stance on sunglasses: Fool me once, shame on you…
Tip: Just be normal. If your arms are big and your tats are sweet, I will notice all by myself in a picture of you acting regular. When you put on shades, and pop your arms in your profile pic, I instantly think you are hiding something, most likely your complete and utter insecurity, which is not hot. Confidence is sexy, but when your pic looks like you are trying too hard to show me what a bad ass you are, it looks kinda wimpy. Will you also be that guy that picks a fight with anyone who looks at me in public, just to be macho? Ugh. So boring.
3. When you desperately try to shove your intellectual quirkiness in my face.
I literally found some one last night for my LadyLove that seemed perfect. A scientist, on his way to becoming a physician. He was cute in a smart kind of way. Love this guy!
“A Doctor’s wife… yup, I can live with that.”, says she.
“Um, wait, his favorite book is The Divine Comedy?! What? No ones FAVORITE book is The Divine Comedy. So… pretty much, this guy just wants to tell us how ‘smart’ he is by letting us know that he made it through such a feat of a poem? Dork. He’s a know it all. Anyway, instead of saying ‘The Divine Comedy by Dante’ he wrote ‘by Dante Alighieri’. We all know who Dante is if you just say: Dante. What an ass. Skip.”, says I.
“Who’s Dante?”, says she.
Like I said, maybe I am too picky.
Tip: It’s hip to be square, but don’t fill your whole About Me section with ‘likes’ designed to reel in your hipster, quirky, indie girl, soul mate. Anyone cool enough to enjoy Monty Python, Twin Peaks, and Stephen Malkamus, thinks it is totally uncool to blab about it.
4. Don’t put pictures up of you, surrounded by beautiful women.
Yes, women know that men use other women to make themselves appear more desirable. It’s tacky. It makes you look like a player. And an ass. And, actually for the women who ‘see through’ your manipulative technique of trickery, it just makes us ponder the question ‘If he is trying to manipulate the Me he doesn’t know, how bad will he try to manipulate the Me that he does know?’ Scary. Skip
Tip: Don’t try to make us jealous before we even talk to you. Leave the pics of you with gaggles of gals on fb.
5. (This one is specific to the gent who listed Deodorant under ‘Things You Can’t Live Without’) Have a female who enjoys your company help you with your profile.
Tip: Not your Mom.